Have you ever been with someone who you wanted so desperately just to hear you? To understand you? To step outside of their own little world for just 15 seconds and see inside your head? And feel what you feel? Me too.
Sometimes these feelings make people break. Release the bonds on their inner tigers. Lash out. Yell. Scream. Othertimes, these feelings make people leave. Drop the offender like a heavy backpack after a long day even though it hurts more than you rationally know it should. That hurt, then sits, dull and heavy and hot in the bottom of your heart - the top of your belly. It lingers in the back of your mind and you just cant let it got. You know that if they could at least understand you, your hurt would go away. You know that the relationship probably can never resume because once broken, trust never fully mends. Yet, if you could say just that *one. last. thing* and have it be heard, you would be okay.
Most of us do not ever say those things to our ex-partners. Some of us out of fear. Some out of nervousness. Some knowing it'll never help anyway. Some out of a desire to never revisit the situation. Yet those thoughts linger on for months, even years. That is why I wrote the below letter. I am tired of carrying the burden of that one. last. thing. It is not my damage, but theirs. I should not have to shepherd it. Thus, I wrote it here. I may never send this to the person, in my case because he probably wouldn't listen anyway (and explode with offense and tout to the sky that he did nothing wrong). But if it were nothing, why are there 3 pages of words below?
Since you were my friend and I did like you, I am going give you my honest thoughts in the page below. You can take it however you will, be offended by them or use them to rise even higher to become a better you. I apologize if some if this is said in anger. I trusted you and you betrayed my trust. I do not know if I can be friends with you for, definitely not for a while. But maybe someday.
You enticed me with your enthusiasm and your ideals of chivalry and courtesy. You treated me well at first. However, when I began to know you deeper it seemed that some of your past still lingers.
You talk about chivalry and the ideals behind it, but you are only scratching the surface. In regards to the general populace, you are a very good friend. You are there for your people, and always willing to help or support. I wish I could have kept you on that level without getting closer. I am not saying that this you is not the real you, but I am saying that there is more beneath this that you need to work on.
You talk to talk of protecting your partner’s dignity against men who would insult their honor.
However, you did not protect me from this when it came to you. Your defensiveness created a cloud around understanding and prevented you from rationally looking at an issue. Your stubbornness in your beliefs is not an asset because it obscures clear understanding. When called a behavior manipulative, I did not call you manipulative. You are NOT defined by your behaviors or beliefs. These things can be wrong and they can change. This does not mean that YOU are changing.
And to my disappointment some of your behaviors are manipulative. They are an attempt to control the narrative of a situation rather than actually addressing the issue at hand. Dramatically “pulling back” from a discussion or argument does not solve the problem. Victim blaming: “Everything I say these days upsets you” takes all of the responsibility off of your actions and puts it on my “decision” to have emotions. If every, single, thing you say upsets someone, then that is probably on you. Try being more sensitive to others’ emotions and you will begin to learn what sets them off. No two people are going to accept the same behavior.
You claimed to know chivalry yet you sexualized me almost every day. I’ll let you in on a little secret, women do not want to hear how much a guy wants their body every time they talk. My appearance is the least interesting thing about me and something I only marginally have control over. Telling me I am beautiful all the time only insults my deeper qualities which are the ones I actually work hard at. It’s easy to posture and beat your chest at other guys who get “sleezy” like this, but it’s OK for you to do it because we have a sexual relationship? No.
There were still times where I felt like a possession or a conquest. “Am I just delivering you to this guy for a booty call?” No, you were giving me a ride to a friend's because you'd offered it. Since we were open so you had no agency in whether I hooked up with him, him & his wife or did nothing. Women are not “yours”. That is why I am so against the terms “my girl” and “my girlfriend” or any other nickname that is diminutive and implies possession or being “lesser”.
And lastly, you still act as if it’s all about you. Even the negative stuff. It’s not. Not everything is a personal attack and you are not entitled to get something just because you want it. Even when we stopped seeing each other, you still inserted yourself into my life and took things away from me. For instance, when you decided to come up here for an event, you had our friend change his plans because of you. You didn’t think that there were 3 other people involved with those plans that you just affected. Again. you tried to control our story, but this time you got our friends involved as well. That was the last straw, for me. A true friend would put his personal shit aside and not make others cater to it.
We definitely had some fun times and I am happy for the adventures you took me on. If you continue to be mindful of the present and of those around you, and do some more self-searching, you will do fine.