Sunday, August 9, 2015

She Didn't Belong Anywhere

"She didn't belong anywhere and she never really belonged to anyone. And everyone else belonged somewhere and to someone. People thought she was too wonderful. But she only wanted to belong to someone. People always thought she was too wonderful to belong to them or that something too wonderful would hurt too much to lose. And that's why she liked him-- because he just thought she was crazy.”

This is a quote by author C. Joybell C. who, as Amazon defines her, "is best known for her love of cake, especially that of the red velvet nature. She is the author of poetry and literature books delving mainly into philosophy of mind, esotericism, and all other things wise and wonderful."

I have thought about this quote extensively for two years now, wondering what exactly it meant and why it struck me so profoundly.  What is it, really, to belong?  And, is belonging really a necessity of a fulfilled life? Or is the acceptance of NOT belonging, really the key?

For me, I "belonged" to a large interest-based social group for 15 years give or take a few. But then, being part of that group started making me feel bad about myself. Or maybe, it had been having that effect for a long time but I continued to delve deeper and deeper into my involvement thinking  that if I just worked hard enough, I would really become a part of it. However, I was not receiving the validation and recognition that I needed to feel included. 

And it was not exactly the people individually, but it was the institution. So I thought that if I left the institution, I would begin to feel better about myself.  And on the one hand, not caring about the institution anymore was initially a great weight.  Unfortunately, I still really like a lot of the people in that group and miss them.

But, do those people really like me?  Barely any of them have reached out through text, facebook, any other social media, phone call etc. to get together. Few of them have even messaged to ask how I’ve been or say they miss seeing me around.   Occasionally I see them comment on my Facebook posts but they’re not very meaningful. So were all these people just friends out of convenience?

Anyway, my questions is: Did I ever really belong to this group?  I feel very adrift right now and I have been trying to tell myself that I don’t need to belong anywhere to be happy.  However, I am a gemini, a twin, a pack animal and I do need to belong.   I am not happy being all alone, even if that leads to the ultimate freedom. But how to I find some place or some people to belong to? 

It seems like the majority of the people are just looking for friendships because they want something from the other person.  Sex. Play. Companionship. Marriage. Kids. Money….So, how often, really, do people meet someone and go: “that person…I want to hang out with them because they are just so fascinating.”  I have met some VERY cool people that I like just hanging and talking with.  But it is *near impossible* to get them to hang out.  And, no way in hell can I just call them up to “chat”. Everyone is SO wrapped up in their own stuff.   

I sometimes feel like a crazy person here. I mean, I am hella busy.  Most nights after work I just want to go to the gym and then go home and watch Arrow.  But if one of these super-cool people I met wanted to hang out, or come over to watch it too, or go dancing or do anything, then I would 90% choose that person to being alone.  And not because I don’t love me some quality time with Oliver Queen…just saying.

So maybe that’s what the above quote is referring to.  “She liked him because he just thought she was crazy.”  He saw her for who she was and wanted nothing from her other than knowing her. I know…that’s probably a stretch of an interpretation, but my point is still there. How often have you told you’re friends: “Wow, my life is better for knowing you.”  My guess would be fewer times than you should be.

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