Don't Tell Me I Look Tired (A PSA) - The Saga of Lyndsie - Part 21

At the end of a long day, a coworker said to me (as I was intently reading something on my computer), "You look tired."

My response was flippant. "Oh, no, I'm fine. That's just my face."

The other coworker said, "Yeah, you've got some serious bags under your eyes."

I responded, "No, seriously. I'm not tired. I sit all day staring at an LED screen under harsh fluorescent lights. Any natural light that does seem to reach my corner does so by the reflection of unforgiving UV rays right off my monitors. I'm not tired. I just have a body ravaged by the toils of office work. In other words, I'm old."

Now, this was said sarcastically and in a kind of joking manner but in all reality I was pretty bothered by the comment. Telling me I look tired or that I have bags under my eyes says 1 of 3 things to me:
- I look like hell.
- I look old.
- I suck at doing makeup and inadvertently smeared black eye shadow on the wrong side of my lid.

None of these are good things. None of them stokes the fragile ego. Each one of them just brings insecurity down onto me. Self-doubt. Self-loathing. I've always been a minimal-makeup kind of gal (unless costuming or being fancy), thinking that my face was pretty enough (and I'm lazy). However, I find that as I get 30-year-old skin, I am using more and more makeup. Why?

So. That. I. Don't. Look. Tired.

Do people think this is a compliment somehow? Or an expression of concern?

Well, let me tell you something: to me, it doesn't say to me "hey, I care about you." It says more, "hey, I am judging you." If you're worried about me not feeling well, then I would prefer you to not contribute to my possible bad mood by talking about my (bad) looks. If you really think I look like hell and are concerned for me, then why not just say:

"Hey, are you doing OK?"
"How are you feeling?"
"Can I get you anything?"
"What's up?"
"ARE you feeling OK?"
"Are you tired?"
"Let me know if you need anything."

There are probably a slew of other things as well that would be leaps and bounds better then essentially telling me that I don't look good. Because, ok, I get that you're not outright telling me that I'm unattractive, but your essentially saying that all the effort I put into my makeup today didn't do me any favors. And let me tell you, "tired-chic" is not a thing right now.

This doesn't just apply to me, however. I am fairly certain that no one - male, female, nonbinary - LIKES hearing this phrase directed at them. Seriously, I don't know the origin of it, but it needs to die. Like, right meow.

So, if you are one of those well-meaning friends, and find yourself concerned for someone because maybe they don't look like they're having the best day ever, here is a handy cheat sheet:

Times it's acceptable to say "You look tired":

1. I'm falling asleep on the couch, with my eyes half closed.
2. I'm falling asleep in the car, with my eyes half closed.
3. I just went to the gym, ate a bunch of dinner, and am falling asleep at the dinner table with my eyes half closed.

Times it's not acceptable to say "You look tired":
1. Any other time.

Let's please try to shift the focus in our language away from looks. Let's avoid the joking talk of: "OMG you annoying, but at least you're pretty." Let's take some time and actually learn something about each other that goes deeper than just the skin.

Yes, we all want to look good. There is nothing wrong with that. And we all love to hear compliments about our looks but that is not all we want. We also, all of us, want to be treated with concern, care, and a bit of sensitivity. We want to be more than just our looks.

We All Die the Same - The Saga of Lyndsie - Part 20

Today, I can’t seem to get over the deaths from the Ventura County mudslides in California. It was only 17 out of how many thousands live there? Five are still missing. So it’s like, no big deal, right? Natural disasters happen all over the world all the time. Even now, as I was scrolling through articles about the mudslides, I came upon one that said “Hundreds Die from Mudslide in Sierra Leon.” But I didn’t even click on the link.

Yet…these 17 deaths still bother me. It’s not like I knew any of them personally. But still, each one of these deaths was a person: a child, a parent, a twin sister, a mother, a lover, a family member, a friend. Those close to the people are reeling with these deaths. To them, 17 deaths is 1 too many.

Hundreds is WAY more than 17, right? Why didn’t that give me the same sinking feeling as these California deaths?

Is it because the people who perished in Montecito had lives very similar to mine? In looking at these photos and stories of the deceased, these deaths, these people, come alive for me.  One person who died was a 12 year old girl with a beautiful freckly face, braces, and slightly disheveled blonde hair. In her memorial photo she was holding up a picture of a  anime character she drew. This girl could have been me or one of my friends.  Another photo shows an older couple, retired, living in their dream home, holding their dog. A third, a woman, just a bit older than my mother had a big ol’ smile, floppy hat and sunglasses.  They were all described as wonderful, kind, happy people. People who were the life of the party or who loved their friends and family. People with hobbies and histories.  People who died suddenly, before their time.

Maybe it’s also because these people were given the warning to evacuate – but it was only optional. The articles said that only 10-15% of the people actually evacuated because they were tired of having been evacuated only weeks before because of the large Thomas fire. And see? All that evacuation and what happened? Nothing, their houses were spared…that time. Many people probably felt that this was a false alarm too. It didn’t help that safety officials didn’t call for a mandatory evac because (as I read in one article) “it would cause mass confusion” to evacuate that many people, so quickly, again. Which makes me angry. Angry at officials who didn’t force people to leave. Angry at the families for putting their lives and the lives of their children (and pets) at risk. Angry at our entitlement to underestimate nature and think “oh, it’s not going to be me” and “I’m safe in my own home”.

We, in America, are fortunate to live in a very modern society. Our society is full of conveniences and technologies that make our lives easier and better.  Maybe this disaster upsets me so much because even in a society with all the technology, all the bright minds building our infrastructure, we still succumb to mother nature. We are still puny meatbags living precariously on a planet full of things that will kill us – rocks, water, mountains, mud. Not to mention all the manmade things that become killing implements by mother nature’s hand: rebar, houses, cars, power lines….

Lastly, the news coverage. While for disasters in other countries you may have articles, videos and even some survivor testimonial, American news outfits covering incidents in our own country scrutinize every detail. They dwell on the fact that the youngest person to die was just 3 years old. They post pics of the victims and backstories. They show the social media support trying to find the 12 year old girl. The bring us so far into the story that we are pretty much there. Many of the details of the articles are not actually providing more information. They are just there to jerk our emotions.

So, while the hundreds of deaths in Sierra Leon should not be glossed over, I wouldn’t fault Americans for feeling incidents like this more strongly. It happened in our back yard to people (possibly rich people) but people, nonetheless, who we can pretty much relate to. 

Obligatory New Year's 2018 Resolutions Post - The Saga of Lyndsie - Part 19

Since I spent yesterday comatose on the couch in a carb-induced stupor, I figure that today I’m going to do that “Welcome to 2018!” post. I’ve had these goals for a while now but January is a good time to tell them to the world.  Maybe y’all can keep me honest. 

   

Goal 1: Work out at least 3x per week. I want to be able to make exercise a regular part of my routine. I now have a gym membership so, no excuses!

   

Goal 2: low carb, very low corn & wheat. This is kind of inspired by the Whole 30 diet but modified to be more practical for my life. While I want to make a habit of cooking mostly meat & veggies, I am also going to add in some potatoes and rice for filler and variety. James and I did a really good job of this for a while until  we went on vacation and the holidays happened. When we were working on it, I did notice that I felt less sluggish and happier.

   

Goal 3: Drink water. I have already been tracking my water consumption and have cut out most sugary drinks like sodas and juices, but I feel that I still need to increase my water intake. I am going to include tea and sparkling water because I’m a Gemini and I need variety. That being said, a coffee in the morning will still happen b/c I can’t function without it.  Alcohol is a different goal so I won’t discuss it here.

  

Goal 4: Sober January. I am going to cut alcohol out for January, starting 1/2. The goal is to not drink until James’s bday in mid-February but if a special occasion shows up in there, I may break that for a night.

Goal 5: Consolidate my debt. Buying a house in 2017 put me in more debt than I would like to admit. 2018 is going to be the year of getting rid of it somehow. Paying it down, yes, but also trying to get it to a point where I’m not getting as much interest on some of it. I’m also going to work on not buying things or eating out if I don’t need to.

Goal 6: Have a clear goal for publishing my novel by 12/1/18. This means that either I have submitted it somewhere and gotten accepted, or gotten a ton of rejections and either decided that I will try to self publish OR keep submitting it places. I would like to learn more about this process in the upcoming year.

  

Goal 7: Write an average of 300 words/day (Once I start doing this, I will adjust based on how much time that takes). The writing can be anything I do to further advance myself: blogs, Toastmasters speeches, stuff on my novels, short stories, random journal entries. Possibly also job-related (as long as it's not an email)!

Goal 8: Try to fix my shoulder nerve-pinch thing. If it's not better by December 2018, I think I should work on getting a new mattress....

Goal 9: Lasik....pipe dream perhaps and goes counter to my Goal #5 but it may be worth getting in a bit of debt to do away with glasses/contacts furever....

  

Goal 10: Improve my fencing. This means going at least 1x/week (which is part of Goal #1) but possibly 2x if time allows. Grow more comfortable with all the off-hands, starting w/ dagger.

  

Goal 11: Make or trade for new SCA garb. I'm going to start w/ a Persian coat and Norse Apron Dress. Probably need a couple more under tunics and pants too. Then, if I get all THAT done, work on a new cote (in purple).

  

Goal 12: come up with a plan to replace the carpet in my townhouse.

  

Goal 13: The once-per-week thankfulness jar that I keep seeing on Facebook. I already attempt a daily gratitude journal (mostly on weekdays) but  I love the idea of writing down 1 thing you're thankful for and putting it in jar to read on 12/31. Maybe I can get James to go in on this with me and we can both do it!

  

So that’s it…I don’t think those are too ambitious, right? And it's not like I haven't already started some of these things... But, I guess we’ll just have to see! Here’s to 2018 being another year of growth!