Don't Tell Me I Look Tired (A PSA) - The Saga of Lyndsie - Part 21

At the end of a long day, a coworker said to me (as I was intently reading something on my computer), "You look tired."

My response was flippant. "Oh, no, I'm fine. That's just my face."

The other coworker said, "Yeah, you've got some serious bags under your eyes."

I responded, "No, seriously. I'm not tired. I sit all day staring at an LED screen under harsh fluorescent lights. Any natural light that does seem to reach my corner does so by the reflection of unforgiving UV rays right off my monitors. I'm not tired. I just have a body ravaged by the toils of office work. In other words, I'm old."

Now, this was said sarcastically and in a kind of joking manner but in all reality I was pretty bothered by the comment. Telling me I look tired or that I have bags under my eyes says 1 of 3 things to me:
- I look like hell.
- I look old.
- I suck at doing makeup and inadvertently smeared black eye shadow on the wrong side of my lid.

None of these are good things. None of them stokes the fragile ego. Each one of them just brings insecurity down onto me. Self-doubt. Self-loathing. I've always been a minimal-makeup kind of gal (unless costuming or being fancy), thinking that my face was pretty enough (and I'm lazy). However, I find that as I get 30-year-old skin, I am using more and more makeup. Why?

So. That. I. Don't. Look. Tired.

Do people think this is a compliment somehow? Or an expression of concern?

Well, let me tell you something: to me, it doesn't say to me "hey, I care about you." It says more, "hey, I am judging you." If you're worried about me not feeling well, then I would prefer you to not contribute to my possible bad mood by talking about my (bad) looks. If you really think I look like hell and are concerned for me, then why not just say:

"Hey, are you doing OK?"
"How are you feeling?"
"Can I get you anything?"
"What's up?"
"ARE you feeling OK?"
"Are you tired?"
"Let me know if you need anything."

There are probably a slew of other things as well that would be leaps and bounds better then essentially telling me that I don't look good. Because, ok, I get that you're not outright telling me that I'm unattractive, but your essentially saying that all the effort I put into my makeup today didn't do me any favors. And let me tell you, "tired-chic" is not a thing right now.

This doesn't just apply to me, however. I am fairly certain that no one - male, female, nonbinary - LIKES hearing this phrase directed at them. Seriously, I don't know the origin of it, but it needs to die. Like, right meow.

So, if you are one of those well-meaning friends, and find yourself concerned for someone because maybe they don't look like they're having the best day ever, here is a handy cheat sheet:

Times it's acceptable to say "You look tired":

1. I'm falling asleep on the couch, with my eyes half closed.
2. I'm falling asleep in the car, with my eyes half closed.
3. I just went to the gym, ate a bunch of dinner, and am falling asleep at the dinner table with my eyes half closed.

Times it's not acceptable to say "You look tired":
1. Any other time.

Let's please try to shift the focus in our language away from looks. Let's avoid the joking talk of: "OMG you annoying, but at least you're pretty." Let's take some time and actually learn something about each other that goes deeper than just the skin.

Yes, we all want to look good. There is nothing wrong with that. And we all love to hear compliments about our looks but that is not all we want. We also, all of us, want to be treated with concern, care, and a bit of sensitivity. We want to be more than just our looks.