Thursday, February 22, 2018

I Don't Owe You Anything - The Saga of Lyndsie - Part 22

Have you ever noticed that some people think that they're entitled to something from you, just on the very nature of who they are? Or, conversely, who YOU are?

We've been seeing all the stories of misogyny lately where men think women "owe" them something. A lot of the time this is sex, but more often it's a smile or a conversation because "Geez, they were just trying to be nice."

Today, however, I'm not going to talk about misogyny since I don't currently have anything new to say. Instead, I am going to expound upon a subject that may be seen as even more controversial in my friend group. I will tell you upfront that if you are a parent, especially a mother, you are likely going to think I'm being stubborn, over-reactive, or just plain cold. However, hear me out, because please understand that there is always two sides to any story.

I have not met J's ex-wife yet. The first time I had the opportunity to do so, we weren't living together yet. She was picking the boys up at J's house and was waiting there. We were late driving back from Colorado Springs. I was feeling pretty car sick and decided that I just wanted to lay down and didn't want to exchange some fake pleasantries. I could have been very blatantly rude and rushed past her without a word or nod, or I could have stayed in the car to recover. I chose the latter.

The second opportunity was on Christmas Eve 2015 when she came over to J's grandma's house to pick up the kids. I was talking to J's brother, J2, and he kind of pulled me aside when she got there. He needed "help" and I think he was attempting to spare me from the awkwardness of meeting. Which I appreciate because I didn't really want to meet her anyway.

After that, she told J that she wanted to meet me (for coffee maybe? or something?). I said, "No." I was not going to go out of my way to meet her. I have no desire to be "friends" with her and honestly most of what I've heard about her is how she took advantage of J and treated him crappy. And, I mean, I know who she is so it's not like I really need to meet her.

Well, that kind of unleashed a shitstorm where she pretty much laid into J about it. Because, yeah, that makes me want to meet you more....uh no.

Why did she want to meet me? She wanted to know the person who her kids was living with. Ok, I kind of get that. You're a mother, you're protective of your spawn, you want to make sure that they are getting what's best for them. Oh wait...but the kids also have a father. Who is all the same things as the mother - protective, loving, encouraging. A father who has the ability to use his own judgement about who he allows around his kids.

Apparently I'm not too much of a weirdo, because J agreed to move with his kids into my house. He has as much good judgement as the mother does. Let's face it, his ex trusted J's judgement enough to marry him and have kids with him, so I really think she needs to trust his judgement now.

What is meeting me going to decide anyway? Does she think she gets to "approve" me?

What if she doesn't approve? What if she looks me in the eyes, "sees the darkness within me," and decides that her kids can't live here anymore? Does anyone else see how much like BS that sounds? Even if she did decide upon a "hello", handshake, and stare-down session, that I was not good enough for her kids to be around, J is still a grown man and a father, and will be the one to make the final call based on what's best for him and his children.

I'm sorry honey, but when you told J that you didn't want to be married anymore, you lost whatever perceived control you had over him...

Maybe she doesn't trust J because she is projecting her lack of trustworthiness onto him. But, at this point, that is not a decision she has the right to make. She and J both have separate lives. Lives linked by children, yes, but otherwise - completely separate.




















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